Waiting for perfect
For a while, I’ve said that my ‘thing’ is going to be sharing how I’m blending working and mom-ing. What’s working and what’s not. Just today I realized that the reason I haven’t felt like I could fully step into that is that I’m waiting to feel like I’m finally doing it right so I can share the “what’s working” part. In true perfectionist form, I want to be killing it in my business and be super mom at the same time. I want to be all in for both - fully present and energized for every moment a get with each “job”.
It’s just not the truth. The truth is - I’m still struggling. I’m struggling to find a happy blend of time and energy. I still don’t know how much work I can take on, or want to, or should. I’m not sure how much money I should even aim to make or exactly how much is worth it. I’m never satisfied with how much work time I have or how much time I’m spending with June.
There are so many things I feel like I should be doing. In the mom category: I should take June out more, she should be around other kids more, she should be in ballet or gymnastics, we should spend more time learning letters or Spanish, she should have more time independent from me. In the business category: I should be marketing my business, showing up on social media, creating content, sending a newsletter, networking, following up with past leads, working on the 84658456 ideas I have to make the business better and more valuable for people.
I can’t even reference a quote because I’ve heard it so many times – some form of “we need to drop all of the things the world tells us we ‘should’ be doing”. But my “shoulds” are coming from me. I know what I’m capable of when I have all the time and energy and inspiration, so when I’m low on any of those - which these days is always - I’m letting myself down with by my lack of performance. I judge myself based on my output, my productivity. It’s just never good enough. Since perfection isn’t possible, I’m always aiming for better and never totally satisfied. Even though I know the truth – that my worth is not based on anything I do, or don’t do – I need the reminder every moment.